Crack Snack Attack

The city’s food trucks may satiate most hunger pains, but what’s a Brooklynite to do with a full-blown crack craving? Well, have we found the dealer for you: friendly, dependable, economical, and serving Williamsburg and Greenpoint every other Saturday night, prime time for a candy crack fix. Wait, what did you think we were talking about?

This is no discreet deal in a dark alley, though it is prefaced by a text message or phone call, where you are prompted to give your address, apartment or otherwise. We chose Graham Avenue’s Sweet Ups (10 points for cleverness, please!), where, shortly after placing an order on the corner, a man came barreling in dressed in a white tux, white gloves, and a plush blue fish mascot head. After some friendly banter with unsuspecting but giggling bar patrons, some jumping up and down, and a shot from the bartender, the deal was done, and on the house at that.

Reflecting on one of his first deliveries, our candy crack dealer, Nate Hill, later explained, “I think people are afraid that I’m going to kill them when I get to their house or something. Or that there’s some kind of catch. Trust me there ain’t.” When you order through his Candy Crack Delivery Service, the snow cone syrup-flavored crack is appropriately packaged in clear dime bags and purchased for just a dollar.

When he delivered the sugary goods to some girls, said Hill, “they thought I was also going to try to sell them real drugs ON THE SIDE. Like the candy crack was just my opening salvo. I don’t think people realize it’s like playing tea when you were a kid. It’s just role playing. I’m pretending to be a drug dealer.”

Hill is the self-proclaimed “Greatest Artist of All Time” and creative director of such performance projects as the Human Petting Zoo and Free Bouncy Rides. (Perhaps you remember him from a past Tip Sheet, or received a ride on the Union Square or Lorimer L platform, where bouncy lap rides a la Anna Nicole Smith normally go down at pre-scheduled times?)

Hill started Club Animals in 2008 with now ex-member Ryder Ripps, with the object of donning mascot costumes at art galleries as a joke. The site once described Club Animals as “a regression from adulthood,” in order to revisit childhood “when what was valued most was fun, horseplay, and experimentation without worrying about ‘reality.’ ” Nowadays, most project objectives read, “This comment has been removed by administrator because we are taking a break from being about anything.”

Formerly of Bed-Stuy and now residing in East Harlem, Hill used to lead the Chinatown Garbage Taxidermy Tours, urban expeditions where animal body parts were sought-after specimens for future art pieces. Strong stomach permitting, you can still take an online tour. A similar Hill project, A.D.A.M. – A Dead Animal Man — consisted of stitched together garbage and animal parts (ditto on the strong-stomach-permitting bit).

Club Animals is much cuter by comparison, but still demented. At the recent auditions for Free Bouncy Rides and Candy Crack Delivery Service at 440 Studios, would-be performers sat outside a room with a PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB sign amidst a myriad of sounds coming from dance classes down the hall. Hill walked out in a milkman delivery outfit with a plastic bag on his head and asked if anyone was there for Club Animal tryouts.

An application included items like “Do you have any rules you live by?,” “Are you comfortable performing in public with a mascot head on? In a swimsuit?” and “Please draw the chicken on the left in the box on the right.” Interested parties were subjected to Rorschach tests, some authentic and others less so, like one of Iraq and Vietnam side by side. As co-conspirator Mary Noir said with a smile, “We’re looking for awesomeness and we have high standards.”

While these and future tryouts and eventual club meetings are for current projects, coming with your own creative ideas is encouraged and desired. You will have to prove your dancing-in-mascot-head skills, though, so you’d better get practicing.

Candy Crack Delivery Service will resume Saturday, August 22 from 10pm-2am and Free Bouncy Rides are up for grabs this Friday on the Union Square L platform from 10pm-11pm. The next Club Animals auditions are Sept. 19. More at clubanimalsnyc.blogspot.com.

Sent by Nicole. Text by Alicia Kachmar, photos from top by Ian Van Ness, syditious (Bouncy Ride photo) and Alicia Kachmar. Graph courtesy Club Animals

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