Oblio Sharp, Eartrumpet to the Stars: Your Horoscopes for December 2013, Kid


Introducing Brooklyn Based Astrologist Oblio Sharp, Eartrumpet to the Stars:

“Eavesdropping on the universe at the next table while pretending to use the iPhone”

SagitariusSagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Right? You thought so. You might still be. Right? One more shot. Really what is there to lose? You’re not hurting anyone. But is the heart blazing beneath your sweater fully up to code? Is the code 11211 or 90210?

capricornCapricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Wring out the old year before you ring in the new, kid. A few more drops in that glass and hours in that ass. You’re doing your best and somehow can’t you do better? Send the letter.


AquariusAquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Why do people keep changing plans on you? Buck up kid. Pretend it’s fine and in time it will be. Anyway, if it’s not, will you ever forget it?

PiscesPisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
There’s no one Pisces this time of year. Dreamers and spinners, ahoy: leave your frost on the windows and breathe the magic of long tails, lights and dreams of the season. The others are chasing their own tails. Do you feel the cloud floorboards on this jalopy? Get a ride or hitch a wagon. You’re ass, gas AND grass.

AiresAries (March 21 – April 19)
Enough delay. You’re going ahead no matter what. Right? Consider the season. Everyone’s off. No angle ramming walls this time of year when nothing’s on the other side.


TaurusTaurus (April 20 – May 20)
Let this world settle upon your shoulders like chirping Snow White birds. Let snow fill your hair like a high school production of Our Town. Let small lights in darkness be a wreath of hearths kid, and let this empire state build toward a happy ending. Enjoy the home homie. Lay on a rug, it’s better for your back and backers.

GeminiGemini (May 21 – June 20)
One last hat to try on, two really. Try on and try out. Only you can figure out what’s been happening beneath the surface, but will you adapt to it? Don’t rub it in. The year goes out with a sign and a sigh.

cancerCancer (June 21 – July 22)
The new year is a snare set a year in advance. But don’t cry your camo face paint all runny waiting for your prey to pass your crosshairs. From a certain distance, the sun is smaller and darker than this period. Pull up a chair and let grandpa touch your knee, kid. Avoid fur unless attached.

LeoLeo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

You can’t possibly do it right, but you can do it. Really there’s no option in this sunless season. You wouldn’t know if it went well anyway so just show up and check the receipts later. Faking it isn’t fake if you know why.

VirgoVirgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Open the window, let the dark in. In this is the mosh pit of seasons, keep your elbows neat and your knees up but get in there and, as always, pick up strangers. On the town, you’re a ghost in tophat and tails. Walk the world alone, licking picture windows, watching eaters eat. Silence is beauty, kid. So Shut up, fucker.

LibraLibra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Don’t overthink this, but get your sleep, choose your battles, and try not to make anyone feel they’re in one. You have a fine head on those shoulders, always had. All you need is to gather your energy and act on it. Lucky number 3, how can that be?

ScorpioScorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
“Hoyda!” How the Tartars called their horses. How you call a ho down. Don’t call that ho down. Take the stairs. Bow to your partner. Bow to your Sensei. Does da ho see dough? Use your powers for good. Please.

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